"It's a Mother's Day Miracle!"

I like to eat good food. And, I don't discriminate against different genres of food. As long as it's good, I eat it. If it's foreign to me, I'll try it. In the words of the great thinker R. Dameron, "I'll try anything twice." But, this blog isn't only about good food. I hate bad food, bad restaurants and bad service and it has occurred to me that there is a dearth of accurate reporting on good and bad St. Louis (where I'm from) restaurants. My mission, if you so choose to read along, is to present to you my thoughts on restaurants in St. Louis, both good and bad, along with some recipes that I've developed over the years for traditional chinese food, and other stuff I like to eat. Like clam chowder.

So, you ask, why is this blog called the Black List? Well, the Black List is reserved for those special restaurants where the food or service is so bad, that I would rather punch myself in the face than step foot in the restaurant again. So, here is the inaugural Black List:

5. BARcelona. A lot of people rave about this restaurant. Fools. It's just a matter of time before they find a special addition in their food. I ordered the calamari there and as I was chewing a bite, I turned into a magician. I pulled a hair out of my mouth that kept going and going, like a damn scarf. At least magicians can wash those scarves. The waitress didn't apologize, took the appetizer away, and I was left with the queasy feeling in your stomach you have before you worship the porcelain bowl. You know, the problem wasn't that the hair was lying nicely on top of the food. It was cooked into the food. So, either that means their prep cooks or "chefs" themselves aren't tying their hair back or wearing a hat. Disgusting. I'm sure if I went back, it might be a good experience, but would you want to risk it, knowing that they don't wear hats? If they can't even get the hat or hairnet policy right, what about leaving meat out?

4. Mai Lee. Okay. Another favorite for some. I'll be honest. I really, really like the food here. In fact, I'll even do carry out for this place. But, if you want me to dine there, the service alone puts this hell hole on this list. I don't know what's with the wait staff here, but the majority of them act as if they're a cross between Clay Aiken (in that androgynous kind of way) and the Soup Nazi. It takes forever to get a menu, to get drink orders, to get your food and to get your check. When you ask for it, they act as if you've just insulted their mother, sister and dog all at the same time. Thankfully, I'm not a soccer player and if they tried to headbutt me a la Zidane, I wouldn't flop down on the ground and need the magic towel/spray bottle that heals all.

3. Tanner B's Downtown. I hate having to do this, but they're on the list. Service is fine, wait staff is very friendly and helpful, but man, is the food their horrible. One day for lunch, I made the terrible mistake of ordering their meatloaf special. While this alone, may make you question my judgment in food, I may have been drunk that day when I was ordering, so clearly, it's not my fault. Well, this meatloaf was more akin to a hockey puck. It was clearly microwaved prior to service and they zapped it a little too long. You know when you microwave something too long and it gets dried out? Imagine that happening to a big chunk of meatloaf. I think I could have used it as a self-defense weapon, such as a throwing star, although those happen to be illegal in the City of St. Louis, along with nunchaku. Such blatant discrimination against the yellow. Other people have guns, yet they decide to outlaw the weapons yellow is good at. (Blah blah blah, ending with prepositions, SHUT UP). Anyways, no meat pucks for me.

2. Emperor's Palace. Okay. This is more of an indictment on Chinese buffets in general. All y'all need to hear this warning. This is a true story. I knew a guy who grew up in a cave in China. He came over here for school and worked in various Chinese buffet restaurants. One day, he told me, never go eat at a Chinese buffet, but, if you're going to, at least don't go eat at one during the summer time. If a guy who grew up in a cave is afraid of eating at a chinese buffet in the summer time, would you? Emperor's Palace of one of those new trendy California style Chinese buffets that have everything you could want. Problem with that is quality is sacrificed for quantity. I'm eating at this place on night and as I'm walking by the cocktail shrimp section, I notice something very wrong. The shrimp aren't pink. They're all gray and raw. The worst part, is that I see all these people grabbing this shrimp, thinking they're cocktail shrimp and shoveling them into their mouths. A few minutes later, I go back there, positive that there's be a reinactment of that scene from Stand By Me, but fortunately (or unfortunately depending on how you look at it), nothing is amiss and they've replaced the shrimp again with cooked shrimp. I still wonder if they changed the ice that night.

1. In Soo. Continuing a trend of bad restaurants that people like, this place has horrible food and horrible service. The owner is supposed to be this cute asian lady that gets all up in your face telling you what you want and bosses you around in some sort of sick dominatrix theme. The people who like this place because of her should go seek help from a professional, or go find an actual dominatrix, because at least the actual dominatrix won't shove In Soo's horrible "chinese food" down your throat. In essence, In Soo's food represents everything that is wrong with american chinese food. It looks like it's been fried in hydrogenated oil, tastes like someone has poured corn syrup over the dish and the presentation looks as if someone visited Stink Alley and threw what they found in it onto a plate. I'll pass on the bossy lady and her "chinese food." She ought to be ashamed of her food. I'm embarassed for her that she would call that crap chinese food.

So, thus ends the first Black List for this week. This list is very fluid and restaurants come on and off this list, depending on if they get better, or if I forget how bad they were the last time.

Now, here's my restaurant for the week, along with what I would order if I were you and eating there. This segment will usually feature an excellent asian restaurant, along with certain excellent menu items, most people don't order. Why? Because I want people to stop ordering General Tso's. It's not real chinese food and made up by some dude in California, the land of fruits and nuts.

Wonton King, 8116 Olive Blvd. U-City.

This fine Cantonese restaurant is on Olive. in the heart of the growing Chinese Strip. Don't be put off by the roasted ducks hanging in the glass cabinet as you come in. The food tastes great. Here's what to order, if you have 4-6 people eating with you:

1) Salt and Pepper Pork Chop
2) Eggplant Hot Pot
3) Chinese Watercress. If they don't understand, say, with your best chinese accent, "Kohn Ching Tsai." Should be the best chinese vegetable dish you've ever had.
4) Ma Po Tofu. This is only if you like spicy food.
5) Beef Satay Hot Pot with Rice Noodles
6) If you're feeling adventurous, half a roasted duck.