The Black List

"Help me, Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft to get the fire off me!"

2006-08-11T16:03:00.000-05:00

Day 8

I'm pretty excited that I got to try a new place today. I've been to most places down here, because I like to eat and I eat everyday. So, a buddy suggested Anthony's Bar and I jumped at the chance. Usually they don't let my kind of people into such fine restaurants, but because my caucasian friend was vouching for me, they let me eat there. It's similar to California at the turn of the 20th century, where to avoid the harsh penalities of the chinese exclusion laws, fellow yellows had to find fellow caucasians to vouch for them. That's why I like to surround myself with white people. One day, when America goes to war with China, instead of being stuck in the Edward Jones' Dome, my fellow caucasians will be able to vouch for me and I can run amok like a good caveman. Yeah. That's right. I'm a thinker.

Anthony's Bar is an interesting little place on Broadway. It shares a kitchen with Tony's, so I like to think that I'm eating at Tony's for a fraction of the cost. Be warned, if you want to eat here for lunch, you have to get here early. The seating is very limited, maybe at most 30 people. The menu only has a few items and I went with a hamburger. I figure a hamburger is always a pretty good litmus test. If they can't get that right, don't try anything else. When we got in, a made man welcomed us and directed us to a table for two. On the table was a cup of chips. I, thinking that Anthony's would only serve freshmade chips, was a little disappointed to see that they were Lays. I mean, they tasted just like any other Lays chips I've had. They were cold, nothing special. Thankfully the chips weren't a foreshadowing of the burger. I got a cheeseburger and it came with a giant pickle. I like pickles. This one was great. The burger was huge and was cooked to medium, even though I had asked for medium rare. It was fine though, because the burger was nice and juicy. The melted cheddar was a nice touch. Compared to Dooley's, the quality of the meat was better. At least the patty looked like it was formed, instead of frozen burger box that Dooley's uses. Not that I'm complaining. I like frozen burger box too.

Okay. I do have one complaint. I ordered a diet coke to drink and they bring me out one of those old fashioned coke bottles. I hate that crap. Just give me a damn fountain poured soda, so I don't have to worry about my Coke getting watered down, or drinking it too fast before my meal comes. Stupid. I expected him to ask if I wanted a Perrier bottle to go along with it. Silly made man. Well, here are the ratings.

Anthony's Bar ($10.50)

Cheeseburger - 4 1/2 Wangs (if they cooked it right, 5)

Pickle - 5 Wang (it was great. Fresh and crunchy)

Soda - 1 Wang

Lays Chips - 2 Wangs (uh, expected more at such a fine establishment. Quite disappointing)

Overall - 4 Wangs

"Shake and bake Cal...Shake and bake!!"

2006-08-10T22:09:00.000-05:00

Day 7

Due to the pouring rain today, we didn't venture too far from the office for lunch. Kohn, Mcatt, Patie and me decided to dine at Dooley's. Not to all patrons. The burgers here are good. However, if you are ordering a burger, make sure you order it one up from what you normally get. So, if you like your burger medium well, order well done. If you like rare, order medium rare. Failure to follow such advice and ordering a rare burger will end with miserable pain in your bowels similar to getting donkey kicked in the gut. I was fool enough to order a rare burger and sure enough, it came out raw. Cold and mushy in the middle. I was afraid that the burger would either start mooing at me, or give me mad cow. Maybe I have mad cow. And if so, that would excite me because that could only make me a better cave man. Maybe I would see everything as mahogany. Today, I stayed away from the burger and decided to go with the philly cheese steak. If you order this, be prepared to wait because this will take a long time. The philly is huge. It covers the entire plate and comes with some sort of reformed beef slices, swiss cheese, lettuce and tomatoes. I like to top this with some mayo and ketchup to bring some more flavor to the sandwich.

Okay. Aside from the time it takes to get the sandwich, my only gripe with it is that the beef is a little salty. Even with the other condiments on it, they cannot drown out the saltiness of the reformulated beef. But, it's still pretty good and awfully messy. I would recommend excercising caution when eating this thing and pay attention to what you wear, because it will likely get messy. The fries that I ordered along with the sandwich were good. I like Dooley's fries. They're fresh, hot and nicely salted. Closest fry equivalent in the commercial world would be a smaller version of McD's.

Well, here are the ratings:

Dooley's (Price: 10.95 for Salty Beef, Fries and Diet Coke)

Philly Cheese Steak (Salty Beef) - 3 Wangs

Fries - 4 Wang

Overall - 3 1/2 Wangs

Here's a new restaurant for you all to try. It's called Wei Hong on Grand across from Jay's International. It's a good, cheap chinese place that I frequent. If you're by yourself, I would recommend getting the beef fun without gravy. Sound strange? Well, it's actually wide noodles with beef, onions and other vegetables. Very flavorful and the beef is tender with the right amount of chinese spices. That dish only costs $6.95 and is enough to feed even the largest of cavemen (myself).

"Did you see that? Because that just happened!

2006-08-09T23:14:00.000-05:00

Day 5

Ugh. Well, I was doing cave man stuff this morning and got back a little late to the office and needed a quick lunch before getting back to work. Where to go? Clearly, it's that time. Thai Express Time! Myself and Member Aoennies ventured out to Thai Express for lunch today. The amount of food she put on my plate was staggering. I have this theory about this place that once they get rid of all of the food, they get to go home. That's what happens when you have a restaurant that doesn't cook their own food and doesn't have a kitchen. Quite strange. Anyways, I went with the green curry and pad thai today. Green curry has always been a favorite of mine. It has chicken, eggplant, bell peppers and onions in a green curry sauce that lately has been pretty spicy. It seems that, lately, they have a new cook preparing the food in Thailand, because the food is extremely flavorful again, and spicy. For awhile, the food there was bland and tasted like I was eating paste. But, ahora, no mas! The curry went well with the white rice and was spicy enough that I need a diet coke to placate my tongue.

The pad thai was also pretty good. Flavorful with a hint of sweetness that's always in restaurant pad thai. It's pretty standard, so no surprises there. My only gripe about the pad thai is that it's a little heavy on the bean sprouts. Sorta drowns out the rest of the dish. For those who are worried about spiciness, I would say stick with the pad thai. As mentioned earlier, stay away from the non-curry dishes here. I think non-curry dishes don't survive the ride over from Thailand and don't fare too well. The curry dishes, are allowed to further stew during the trip and are that much more tastier. Well, here are the ratings.

Thai Express ($8.30 for two entrees and a diet coke)

Green Curry - 4 Wangs

Pad Thai - 3 Wangs

Overall - 3 1/2 Wangs (Yes another half Wang!!!)

Addendum. I'd like to put forth a new favorite bar of mine. This place is called Panama Red's between 19th and 20th street on Locust. Tonight, a couple of buddies and I visited this locale and were pleasantly surprised with this bar. Driving by, it's hard to notice anything special about it and they don't advertise. But, inside is a very nicely decorated bar that is as nice as any bar in town. It's not uberchic where you feel like you have to be wearing european clothes to fit in and it's not like a Dog Town bar, where you see parents lugging their kids in at 10pm for a drink. It's a pretty standard, solid oak bar that has great drink specials until 8pm. Wednesdays, apparently it's $1 off all drinks. Not a bad deal. It's owned by a local guy who's trying to make it, so go out and support local business!

"If we wanted wussy kids, we would have named them 'Dr. Quinn' and 'Medicine Woman.'"

2006-08-08T12:28:00.000-05:00

Day 4

You all know how much I love Jimmy John's. This place is quite possibly, the perfect sub shop when you're in a rush. Apparently, according to Srank, I'm a picky eater, but I had no problem going to this place. The cast of characters was pretty standard with Kohn, Cicheal, Srank and myself. I'm always amazed at how quickly this place makes the subs. From the time I ordered my sub, to when it was done, no more than 3 minutes tops. Today, I decided to branch out from my Hunter's Club, which I usually get, and went with the Italian Night Club. Cheezy name, I know, but it was an awesome sub. It has salami, ham and turkey, with lettuce, tomatoes, and onions, topped with a vinagrette and mayo. For extra kick, I added banana peppers which they recommended, and it brought a nice sour/spiciness to the sandwich.

As usual, the meat was fresh and the bread was very tasty. There's something about their white bread that makes it taste great. I'm thinking smack, because everytime I eat it, I just want more. One time, I was playing poker with some friends and I ordered two Big John's thinking I'd eat one now and save the other for a late night snack. But, just like any good smack addict, I polished them both off back to back. I couldn't stop myself. I swear, if I had ordered three or four, I would have probably been better off because I would've eaten to failure. What's Eat to Failure? It's this new diet craze that I've been promoting. You get to eat as much as you want, of whatever you want. What's the catch? You can't stop eating until you throw up. See, eat to failure. Retain minimal calories and go away satisfied. I can't wait until I become famous like Dr. Atkins. Well, maybe I can, because knowing my luck, they'd find me one day, dead from eating to failure, slipping on the "ice/failure" and then cracking my head open on the floor. Real great.

Anyways, back to the story. So I ate both of them and hurt for a real long time. I felt like the time I was fencing and someone stabbed me in the family jewels on the day I forgot to wear a cup. Well, not that bad, but my stomach did feel pretty bad. So, public service announcement. If you are ordering a Jimmy John's sandwich, only get one for yourself, or else you'll find yourself the victim of their smackalicious sandwiches. Well, here's the ratings for Jimmy John's.

Jimmy John's - $8.30 for sandwich, chips and drink.

Italian Night Club - 5 Wangs

Bbq Chips - 4 Wangs

Overall rating - 5 Wangs. what can I say. I love this place.

"Chip, I'm all hopped up on Mountain Dew!!"

2006-08-07T13:36:00.000-05:00

Day 3

Well, I tried again today, but no one wanted to go for the Thai food. Probably because it feels like a sauna outside. If you go outside, you feel disgusting because it's like you've taken a nice hot shower in your clothes. Today, Tennifer, Sicki, Mrish, Hdam and I were supposed to be going to STL Bread Co, unoriginal, I know, but on the way there, I almost fainted from the heat, so we stopped at New York, New York deli in the bottom of the new parking garage downtown. This is one of a recent spat of restaurants opening up down here and it's a fairly good addition. You won't leave this place hungry, if you go with a 12" sub.

Today, I ordered a standard, the Reuben, baked wavy cheddar and sour cream lays and a diet Coke. The Reuben came with a small pasta salad and a pickle. The Reuben was surprisingly good. I had it when New York first opened and it was pretty forgettable. This time, however, they loaded up with the corned beef, which wasn't too dry and had the right amount of marbling. There was a hint of sauerkraut, which is the way I like it and some thousand island. They should've put some thousand island on the top piece of bread, but I just put some mayo instead. It worked. Overall, the sandwich was just the right size for me to be full and not want to eat Tennifer's sandwich. Usually I eat her food because instead of eating it, she just tears it into smaller pieces and leaves it on her plate. I think she has an eating disorder. That or she's OCD. But, I was comfortably full and passed on it, much to her surprise. The pickle was pretty good. Crunchy and not too sour. Pasta salad was a joke. I think that a trained monkey could've made a better pasta salad. Fortunately, I was too full from the sandwich to want to eat crappy pasta. When all was said and done, the total bill was $9.00. Service was all right. They bring out the food. But I noticed that the folk who came in after 12 pm had to wait much longer than us for their food.

Ratings:

New York New York Deli

Reuben 4 1/2 Wangs
Pickle 3 Wangs
Pasta Salad has no Wangs

Overall - 4 Wangs

"It's not that I'm lazy, I just don't care."

2006-08-04T13:15:00.000-05:00

Day 2

I think eating chinese food almost everyday for dinner growing up has made me subconsciously always want to go eat chinese whenever people ask where I want to eat. I may act like a twinkie, but man do I love me some good chinese food. So, today, Chicheal asked me where I wanted to eat, and of course, I said Bamboo Inn. Bamboo Inn is a recently renovated chinese buffet in the Mansion House downtown. Why do I like it? Well, primarily because it's clean and it seems like they have a pretty fresh rotation of the food out there, so nothing sits too long. Okay, I know that if you've read my earlier posts, then you've read my rants about chinese buffet, especially during the summer time. But, this place may be an exception and where else am I going to go if I want chinese food downtown? I went to the Red Door once and the scariness of that place was enough to make me want to punch myself in the face for being stupid enough to walk into an underground chinese buffet.

So, Kohn, Cicheal and I went to the Bamboo. What was good? Well, Kohn immediately began wolfing down the General Tso's chicken. I swear that if they didn't run out of it, Kohn would've eaten himself into a coma. Apparently it was pretty good. Here's the thing about General Tso's chicken. It's good when the chicken is still crispy. It's average when it becomes soggy from the sauce. Bamboo's, unfortunately, was soft from the sauce. If you want to know what crispy General Tso's tastes like, and how good it is, I recommend going to Four Seasons on Grand and giving it a try there. It's a Vietnamese restaurant, but man is it good. Speaking of Vietnamese, I like Bamboo because they have all you can eat Pho, the Vietnamese noodle soup. The lady makes it fresh for you on the spot and brings it to your table. Not the best Pho I've had because the broth is a little thin on flavor, but adequate, nonetheless.

This place also does vegetables pretty well. They're fresh and crisp, without the sogginess of normal chinese buffets. Bamboo also have a pretty good soup selection. Hot and sour, seafood and wonton. I personally like the wonton soup the best. The broth is very flavorful and the wontons aren't mushy, which is very important. This place is owned by Thai people, I think, so it isn't strictly a chinese buffet. They also have Pasta House salad. Don't ask me how, don't ask me why, but it is a huge salad sitting there. Lastly, make sure you try the fried donuts, or ask for them if they're not out. Quite possible, the best dessert ever. You ask, isn't fried donut a little redundant? It's not after you've had these suckers. Two words for you: Goldenly Delicious.

Total price for the meal: 10.50

Bamboo Inn Rating: 4 Wangs

"You are too useless. And now, I must beat you!"

2006-08-02T08:49:00.000-05:00

Day 1

Well, I've fully recovered from the gorging that took place last week, while my sister was in town. I'm going to start something new with this blog. Everyday my co-cavemen and I go out to eat and we always have a tough time deciding where to eat. We stand in the lobby, asking each other, "where do you want to eat?" Someone invariably yells, "THAI!" And then, groaning occurs after that. We then walk out to the front of the building, stand there, and keep asking what we want to eat. Silence. We all look at each other and then walk to the corner of 7th and Locust. We then ask again, "what do you want to eat?!" If you're ever out and about at 11:30 am in that area, we're the group of cavemen looking lost and confused at the corner, twiddling our thumbs. I'm the big chinese guy on the corner, yelling about Thai food.

So, in light of that, I'm going to chronicle for a month, everywhere I eat for lunch with my co-cavemen and provide a rating for that place. For measurement, I will rate these restaurants on scales of Wang, five being the best, one being the worst. Today, for lunch I ate at the Caveman's Club on top of the Laclede Gas Building at 7th and Olive. You have to be a caveman to eat there, but I think it's pretty easy faking as one to get in. You just have to wear a gray suit that looks important. Cavemen like to dress important in order to make themselves feel important. Important clothes are only trumped by mahogany. Mahogany connotes power, hence all the mahogany in our caves.

Anyways, I was eating here with a caveman, Vaura Logel, and Wolly, who sips the hatorade on St. Louis. The Caveman's Club is run by Window's on Washington. It has a full menu and a full buffet. Being a hungry caveman, I opted for the buffet. Today, there were serving a tomato basil soup, prime rib steak, asparagus, pasta primavera and curry rice. The tomato soup was excellent. It was a little creamy, but very flavorful with the chopped basil. There was a hint of garlic to it and brought good balance to it all. Next, the prime rib was average at best. Eh, what do you expect. It's a steak buffet. Medium well, slightly dried on the edges, very fatty, nicely salted. Mostly harmless and filling. The curry rice was the biggest disappointment. There were diced, non-descript vegetables in the rice. It is best described as "mostly bland" and yet intensely yellow. How did they make it so yellow, with so little taste? A disturbing thought, that I chose not to dwell on. I had some tuna salad and potato salad as well. Those were pretty standard, so I will not elaborate. If you want to know what they taste like, go to Sam's Club and buy some. The view is pretty amazing at this place because it is on the top floor of this building, so this alone may make it worth eating here. Well, here are the score breakdowns...

Tomato Soup - 4 Wangs
Prime Rib - 2 Wangs
Pasta Primavera - 3 Wangs (Wolly and Vaura agreed upon this, because they stay away from big pieces of meat)
"Curry" Rice - 1 1/2 Wangs (yes, you can have half Wangs, and if you get a half-wang, I pity the foo!)
Salads - 2 Wangs
Value - 4 Wangs (it was only $10.50 for this buffet and that includes all you can eat dessert!)

Lawyer's Club on 30th floor of the Laclede Gas Building Overall Score:

3 Wangs

"Evil will always prevail, because good is dumb."

2006-07-27T08:40:00.000-05:00

My sister and I are pretty different people. I'm a caveman, she's a doctor. I live in downtown St. Louis, she lives in downtown Chicago, a block from the Gap on Michigan Avenue (and they say doctors are getting paid enough!) Well, I always hear her rave about Chicago restaurants and how St. Louis just can't compare to the sights and sounds of that "fabulous" city. Well, she was in town, because apparently doctors get vacations, and my family wanted to go out to a nice restaurant to celebrate my mom's recent graduation from massage therapy school. A 56 year old woman, graduating from school is a big deal and we were very proud. So, I decided to use this opportunity to bust out a secret weapon to show Wina Tang that there are restaurants here on par with Chicago. So where did we go? Larry Forgione's An American Place. For the past year, I've repeatedly heard rumors and stories about this place from various individuals, among them, Wusan Salker, the diva of everything nice, that this is the place to eat. Now when Wusan, a Mississipian, gets excited about a restaurant, I know it has to be good, because only the best is mediocre for Wusan.

Well, so how was it, you ask? Wusan knows her food! The dining experience was probably the most complex, flavorful dinner I've ever had. Wina is big on tasting menus and so we decided to try the 9 course tasting menu. Hard to go wrong here if you feel like ponying up some bills to celebrate. Here's the run down of the menu for the evening:

We started things off with an amuse-bouche, which is a free offering from the chef to sort of warm up the palate to the glorious dishes about to come. Ours was a cool, watermelon soup with crab, which at first, may seem quite strange, but the slight sweetness of the watermelon, paired with the saltiness of the crab, was perfect. The presentation was in a small bowl in the shape of an egg, with the soup resting where the yolk would be. Quite artistic.

1. Roasted corn with beurre infused with mushroom and a side of crab meat salad. Generally, I'm not a corn person, but the corn was extremely tender and sweet, which made me enjoy immensely. A little hard to eat, but the husk was still attached to it, so I just picked it up and ate it, while dipping it in the mushroom butter. The crab salad was very good, but I wasn't so sure that back to back crab was necessary. Plus, the two were eaten individually, so how well, they complimented each other, I'm not so sure. But, overall, both were excellent.

2. Deconstructed Caprese Salad. This was probably, by far, the dish I was most impressed with. A traditional caprese salad consists of tomato, fresh mozzerella, and basil. This was a very unique spin on that. An scoop of olive oil sorbet, on top of a tomato slice, on top of a wafer. All of it sprinkled with fresh basil and some sauce that was unidentifiable. Olive oil sorbet. The flavor of olive oil permeated the sorbet and had a coolness on the tongue that epitomized the word "savory". When everything was eaten together, it instantly informed me what fresh ingredients should taste like.

3. Sliced cured pork jowl with bell peppers. This may put some people off, namely Wusan, but I thought that this was another well designed dish. The jowl is from the cheek and neck of the pig. It was so thinly sliced, it reminded me of rice paper. The flavor was more akin to proscuitto. Because it was cured, it was quite salty. However, when that was paired with the sweetness of the bell peppers, again the combination of flavors formed a synergy in your mouth quite unlike anything I've had before. Simply put, awesome. Of note, my girlfriend did not like the jowl because it was too fatty, which made me quite happy, because more jowl for the caveman!

4. Seared scallop on a grilled eggplant, with greens and an eggplant sauce. This was my mom's favorite dish. She said the next time she comes back, she's getting a plate of these. The scallops were cooked to perfection at slightly rare. Overcooked scallops are horrible, but that wasn't a problem here. Another problem with cooking scallops, is that if you don't drain the liquid out of the scallop, you won't get a nicely seared crust on it. It's very similar to cooking a steak in a pan. Anyways, this was perfect here and the eggplant worked well with the scallop. Seasoning was perfect.

5. Veal with red wine reduction sauce. Okay. I have a confession and this may offend people of the Wusan persuasion, but I really, really, really like to eat baby cow. This was no exception and the veal was so flavorful. It was cooked well done, which usually makes me angry and violent, like most cavemen, but it was cooked this way because the meat was from the shank, which meant that there was plenty of flavorful connective tissue that needed a good braising in order to break down into the meat. The red wine reduction sauce was a little salty, but it served as a good dressing for the greens.

6. Braised lamb. Okay, this was slightly similar to the last dish in terms of sauce, but the lamb was served on a corn pudding that was perfect for reducing the saltiness of the sauce. Corn pudding was a first for me, but it was so smooth and creamy, it may become my preferred method of eating corn. What made this dish even more interesting for me, was that the lamb was cooked to medium rare, which is extremely difficult given the small size and thickness of the meat. It had a nice pink running through it, which put a smile on my face.

7. Blue cheese with preserved fig. Well, with the crescendo peak reach in the meal, the chef was now bringing us down with a cheese plate to be followed by two desserts. I made the mistake of eating the cheese first by itself. The cheese was very strong (stinky) and a tad bitter. But, in another exhibit of how flavors should be paired together, the cheese was perfectly balanced when eaten with the sweetness of the fig. The fig drew out flavors in the cheese that initially were overpowered by the stink and bitterness and mellowed those two flavors out, creating a perfect cheese experience. Amazing.

8. Preserved apricot stuffed with rice pudding. Okay, this was my least favorite dish. The apricot and its accompanying sauce was so sour, that the sweetness of the rice pudding could not counteract it. Least memorable and I won't waste any more time writing about it because of the dessert after this one redeemed everything.

9. Chocolate lava cake. Simply put, the best dessert I've ever had. Even better than Harvest's bread pudding! You cut into the cake and chocolate just oozes out of it, like lava. I was afraid that it was going to be too sweet, but it wasn't. The chocolate inside was very warm and when eaten with the blackberry sorbet, it was a nice contrast of hot and cold, sweet and sour. The blackberry sorbet was sour, but matched perfectly with the lava cake. I don't like chocolate very much, and I'm not big on desserts, but this alone, was worth the meal because of how good it was.

Well, the meal ended with some designer confectionaries from the restaurant. Good, but after the meal, they weren't memorable. Service was okay, not the best I've had, but not the worst. The server tried to be friendly, but all he'd say was "is everything still okay?" To which I would respond, "of course." And off he would go. I got the impression that the staff wasn't quite knowledgeable regarding the food they were serving, which was unfortunate because I had lots of questions about it. For our party of five, they added a gratuity of 20% to our bill, which my Dad paused at, but because the meal was so good, he happily signed the check. The meal was expensive enough that this won't be a frequent event, but I recommend that everyone at least try it once to see how a food experience can be entertaining for you taste buds, other than sheer amount. The portions were small, but I was very full after the meal. Amazing considering I'm a big caveman. What did the big doctor Wina think? She said it's as good as anything she's had in Chicago. Presentation wasn't as over the top as in Chicago, but for the prices here, it was a steal compared to Chicago. Victory!!

And now, here's my restaurant pick for the week and what you should order there:

Wong's Wok (In the Delmar Loop Market)

Well, after a big expensive meal like that, nothing makes me feel better than going to Wong's Wok and getting some $5 beef noodle soup. Wong's Wok is a hole in the wall, but the chinese people sure love their beef noodle soup. For $5.25 you get a big bowl of noodles, beef, bok choy, and soup. It's a little spicy, but perfect if you get a milk tea drink from the bubble tea place next door to it.

"You know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music."

2006-07-21T10:19:00.000-05:00

Here's a mid-week special. Black List foreign correspondent Durtis Cevlin was assigned to Hawaii a few months ago to report on the strange island and this thing called "poi." Apparently it's related to the potato of southeast Asia, taro. Well, the interesting thing about Durtis is that he's a caveman soldier, who's been certified to jump out of a plane. Who knew cavemen could jump out of planes? I think, though, it's a conspiracy from doctors trying to get rid of us cavemen by hoping that we'd all want to jump out of planes, once we heard other cavemen were doing it. Then, we'd all die out or hurt ourselves, because we'd delegate packing our parachutes to our secretaries or paralegals, who would just luuuuuv that assignment. Speaking of which, the doctors almost got Durtis because he broke his foot during training, but like any other good cavemen, he jumped out of 3 more planes with his broken foot. We're a smart lot of cavemen. The caveman motto: if at first, you don't offend, try, try, again. Anyways, here's Durtis' report:

Understanding Hawaii's demographics allows one to understand the bewildering and intricate mosaic we call, "Hawaiian Cuisine."
Contrary to popular belief, Hawaiians and visitors to Hawaii do not subsist entirely on coconuts and sand. In this multi-part guest feature, the author will attempt to categorize and detail the main subdivisions of Hawaii's population, as relates to the wide variety of food we eat here.
Hawaii's entire population subdivides thusly:

1. Tourists.
2. Locals.
3. Military.
4. Homeless.

This installment will address Tourists.

1. Tourists come in three varieties: American tourists, Japanese tourists, and Other.

a. American tourists are generally fat, loud and sunburned. They camp outside Cheesecake Factory days in advance to secure a table for dinner. Why do they do this? I don't know. Perhaps their overpriced and vaguely pan-Asian-American-European-fusion crap tastes better in Hawaii than in Omaha. It must, because folks wait hours and step over homeless people to get in there. No joke. Same goes for TGI Fridays, Chili's, IHOP and every other suburban hell-hole that has somehow managed to infest Honolulu. They're packed. Constantly. With Americans. Their food sucks.

b. Japanese tourists can be identified by their smaller stature and distinct plumage of cameras and other electronic devices. They spend their entire Hawaiian vacation riding around Waikiki on trolley buses.

Occasionally their handlers allow them to disembark from these buses, at which time they buy T-shirts emblazoned with English gibberish. I have personally seen T-shirts proclaiming, "Las Vegas: Felt-Tipped Marker" and "Know As Pinky". My favorite was the simple, almost Zen-like, "Pine." Besides buying T-shirts, Japanese tourists also visit indoor shooting ranges and eat Japanese food. Honolulu abounds with Japanese restaurants, some of which truly deserve praise.

Actually, "Japanese food" includes many sub-varieties—a topic worthy of an article all its own. Watch this space.

c. Other encompasses the various Australians, Germans, Canadians, Italians, Columbians, Martians, Mutants, etc. etc. etc. who come to the island. Watch for oddly attired, hairy, moustached men and women wearing scarves. God only knows what they eat. I think they go to luaus every night, where the locals attempt to reduce the staggering oversupply of poi that built up during the 50s. They pretend it's traditional, and the suckers gobble it down like there's no tomorrow.

In the next installment, I will address Locals, and how they hate everyone.

******

Stay tuned in the coming weeks for part 2 of this 4 part special from Durtis, Black List foreign correspondent.

"What, did you think that I wouldn't be a good eugoogylizer?"

2006-07-16T14:27:00.000-05:00

So, the other day, I was eating lunch with a friend at Kitchen K, who, for purposes of anonymity, I shall only refer to as Wolly Hray. Wolly, a Renoan (as in Reno, Nevada) and I were talking about her triumphant return to St. Louis and my shock that she had returned to Missouri, after her insistence that she would never return to the "armpit of America" when she left the first time. I, for one, always thought the armpit of America was Branson. Anyways, she was telling me about how the people born and raised here are weird because they absolutely loooooove St. Louis. Everyone born here and raised here is crazy about St. Louis and never want to leave this town because of how "awesome" it is. I found this to be a little disturbing, but possibly true to a certain degree. Most of my friends who live here, grew up here and love this town. I was not born here, but grew up here and have no plans on leaving for the time being. So, either this town grows on you, or they're putting something in the food. Speaking of which, this week here's my list of my top 5 places to eat downtown for lunch for people who work downtown.

I work downtown and almost everyday, my fellow cave men/women lawyers and me go out to eat lunch. Downtown there are some good places to eat and lots and lots of bad places. I'll save the bad places for another post. The criteria into these selections consists of quality of food, value for your food and wait time (us silly cave men must account for every 6 minutes of our day). I also must preface this list by saying that these places aren't the highest quality restaurants in St. Louis. They're merely among the regular places that I would go to for lunch and for varying reasons, they're my favorites.

5. Thai Express (5 minutes before you get your food). For those of you who work downtown, you know where it is. It's one of the few restaurants downtown that serves food, but have no kitchen in the restaurant. Real sketchy. Where the food comes from, I don't know. I pretend it comes from Thailand and when they go on vacation every year, it's because they have to go back to the motherland to get more food. At least that lie provides some comfort to my stomach after I eat there. What's good about this place? You get a plate of food, bigger than my head, for only $6.50. Now, this may not seem like anything special, but let me assure you that my head is quite large and there's so much food, you won't finish it, unless you were Andre the Giant in a former life. Now, it's also not about quantity, but quality wise, the food is pretty good. But, you have to know what to order. I always get the green curry and masaman curry. Both have good sauces and are tasty. Stay the hell away from the teriyaki chicken. It's a cross between the sweetness of cotton candy and feet. I cannot personally verify this because I do not know what feet taste like, but Kohn Jeen (to protect his identity his name has been altered) did. Rumor has it, if you tell the lady serving this place that you're on the Atkins diet and do not want rice, she'll replace all of the rice normally on the plate with more meat. Yes. More meat. When a cave man in my office found this out, he came bounding (or rolling) into the office after he ate there, with the biggest smile on his face. You too, can replicate this joy for yourself!

4. 10th Street Italian (10-15 minutes for food to be served). This is one of those places where everything tastes good and they have enough variation that you can eat there almost once a week, without getting sick of the food. I like this place because the people there know me by name. It makes me feel special, and if you eat there once a week, or every other week for a year, they'll know your name too and it'll become your own little Cheers. The meatball sub here is a longstanding favorite. It's not disgustingly huge, but it is quite flavorful and you feel satisfied after you eat there. The 10th Street Chef Salad is outstanding, with the right amount of meat and cheese and the dressing is light enough that it doesn't over power everything. This salad paves the way for the salad that is to come after it (see below), in that it is very fresh, but not as big as the salad that is to come after it. The pastas are great and what's even better is that you can ask them to change all sorts of stuff with the pasta. Last time I was there, Anthony recommended that I try a different pasta with one of their specials and it made a huge difference. I say go and try to find the perfect combination and let me know what you can get.

3. Jimmy John's (5 minutes for a sandwich). For some reason, the sandwiches here are really, really good. So good, in fact, that it makes me think that may be putting crack in their food. It is crackalicious. The sandwiches are filling and they get them out "so fast, you'll freak." My personal favorite is the Big John or the Hunter's Club on white. Good deli meat, fresh veggies and quality cheese on a sandwich. What more can I say, or what else do you need to know? In fact, I think I need my fix now after writing about it...

2. Homeless Shelter (McMurphy's Grill) (15-20 minutes for food to be served). There's something special about this place. Maybe because eating there, allows me to think that I'm helping the homeless people who are working there to be trained as serves, or it's because everytime I see the salads they serve here, I scream out in terror at the sheer size of them. McMurphy's is a little short on quality and freshness of their food, but very long on service and quantity of food. Now don't let that scare you. By being short on quality, I mean I've found a piece of brown lettuce here and there in my salad before, but that's to be expected when they use 3 heads of lettuce per salad. I just don't want you to confuse the freshness of the veggies here, with say, An American Place or some fancy place like that. With that said, I like this place because it is unpretentious and the food is simple, without crazy trend of food deconstruction. It has dishes like beef stew, meatloaf, hamburgers, and ginormous salads. Nothing fancy, but nothing disappoints. On top of that, nothing will cost you more that $6 or $7 and because the servers are all in training, everyone is attentive and your drink is rarely empty. If you get the server with the hearing aid, don't freak out if he puts his hand on your shoulder. He's a nice guy and not trying to hit on you. He heard that stupid fact that if you put your hand on your customer, they'll tip you more.

1. Copia (15-20 minutes for food to be served). This is pretty standard in terms of nice locale and good food. It is one of the recent spats of restaurants opening up on Washington Ave. It calls itself an urban winery. It may be one, but I haven't seen signs of that yet. The food, though, is excellent. Their style of cuisine is best described as American fusion with whatever else the chef feels like. They have a bbq pork sandwich that is excellent and I challenge anyone to eat it without getting messy. My colleague Cicheal Mhevhal (again to protect his identity) has tried numerous times and each time has soiled himself like a little girl. I haven't had a bad experience yet with the food. The bar is pretty good (we cavemen like to drink at lunch because it makes us feel powerful, like mahogany) and service is pretty standard regardless of how crowded they are. They allegedly have a patio that is open for lunch, but for some reason, whenever I ask about it, they say it's opening next week.

And there you have it. Give these places a try, or if you've been there and you think they're crap, please feel free to add a comment. It might even be a good comment...for me to poop on.

Here's the recipe for the week. Growing up, my mom used to make this for dinner all the time. Goes great with rice and is about as traditional a chinese dish as it gets. Nothing fancy, but tastes great and is fairly healthy. It's also very easy and very quick for you cave men/women out there who don't have time because you're trying to "capture" it all. I'm trying to disabuse the world of the notion that Chinese food is all fried and sweet. Damn you, General Tso!

General Wang's Dish
(Serves 4 with other dishes)

Ingredients:
6 eggs (if you want to be even healthier, feel free to use egg beaters)
16 oz. of soft tofu (you can use hard or medium if you want, but for best results, use soft)
4 Roma tomatoes
3 cloves of garlic
1 stalk of green onions
salt and pepper

Prep Work:
1. Beat the eggs until they're smooth, but not too hard or else I'll think you're an Asian parent.
2. Cut the tofu into 1 inch cubes and drain the water out of the carton.
3. Cut the tomatoes into 1 inch cubes.
4. Chop the garlic.
5. Slice up the green onions as finely as possible.

Chefing:
1. Fire up the wok or pan and put some oil into it. If you want to be precise, go with 5 tablespoons.
2. Put the garlic into the pan and make sure the garlic doesn't burn. If it starts burning, turn down the heat.
3. Throw your eggs into the pan and begin to scramble the eggs. Now, don't scramble into tiny pieces. Just gently fold the egg over itself you have fairly large uniform chunks of egg.
4. Before the eggs are fully cooked, throw in the tomatoes and toss it all together for 2 minutes.
5. After the two minutes and after the tomatoes have cooked a bit, add your tofu and continue toss this all together in the pan.
6. Add a teaspoon of salt while this is all cooking and sprinkle pepper over it if you'd like. Taste it and see if it needs more salt. If so, add slowly. Sidebar: YOU MUST ALWAYS TASTE YOUR FOOD WHILE YOU'RE COOKING IT TO MAKE SURE IT TASTES GOOD! IF YOU DON'T, DON'T BLAME ME IF IT TASTES LIKE CRAP.
7. Turn off the heat, pour out the contents onto a nice serving plate, and sprinkle the green onions over the top for presentation. General Wang's dishes always have to look nice.
8. Eat!

Till next week...

"It's a Mother's Day Miracle!"

2006-07-12T12:48:00.000-05:00

I like to eat good food. And, I don't discriminate against different genres of food. As long as it's good, I eat it. If it's foreign to me, I'll try it. In the words of the great thinker R. Dameron, "I'll try anything twice." But, this blog isn't only about good food. I hate bad food, bad restaurants and bad service and it has occurred to me that there is a dearth of accurate reporting on good and bad St. Louis (where I'm from) restaurants. My mission, if you so choose to read along, is to present to you my thoughts on restaurants in St. Louis, both good and bad, along with some recipes that I've developed over the years for traditional chinese food, and other stuff I like to eat. Like clam chowder.

So, you ask, why is this blog called the Black List? Well, the Black List is reserved for those special restaurants where the food or service is so bad, that I would rather punch myself in the face than step foot in the restaurant again. So, here is the inaugural Black List:

5. BARcelona. A lot of people rave about this restaurant. Fools. It's just a matter of time before they find a special addition in their food. I ordered the calamari there and as I was chewing a bite, I turned into a magician. I pulled a hair out of my mouth that kept going and going, like a damn scarf. At least magicians can wash those scarves. The waitress didn't apologize, took the appetizer away, and I was left with the queasy feeling in your stomach you have before you worship the porcelain bowl. You know, the problem wasn't that the hair was lying nicely on top of the food. It was cooked into the food. So, either that means their prep cooks or "chefs" themselves aren't tying their hair back or wearing a hat. Disgusting. I'm sure if I went back, it might be a good experience, but would you want to risk it, knowing that they don't wear hats? If they can't even get the hat or hairnet policy right, what about leaving meat out?

4. Mai Lee. Okay. Another favorite for some. I'll be honest. I really, really like the food here. In fact, I'll even do carry out for this place. But, if you want me to dine there, the service alone puts this hell hole on this list. I don't know what's with the wait staff here, but the majority of them act as if they're a cross between Clay Aiken (in that androgynous kind of way) and the Soup Nazi. It takes forever to get a menu, to get drink orders, to get your food and to get your check. When you ask for it, they act as if you've just insulted their mother, sister and dog all at the same time. Thankfully, I'm not a soccer player and if they tried to headbutt me a la Zidane, I wouldn't flop down on the ground and need the magic towel/spray bottle that heals all.

3. Tanner B's Downtown. I hate having to do this, but they're on the list. Service is fine, wait staff is very friendly and helpful, but man, is the food their horrible. One day for lunch, I made the terrible mistake of ordering their meatloaf special. While this alone, may make you question my judgment in food, I may have been drunk that day when I was ordering, so clearly, it's not my fault. Well, this meatloaf was more akin to a hockey puck. It was clearly microwaved prior to service and they zapped it a little too long. You know when you microwave something too long and it gets dried out? Imagine that happening to a big chunk of meatloaf. I think I could have used it as a self-defense weapon, such as a throwing star, although those happen to be illegal in the City of St. Louis, along with nunchaku. Such blatant discrimination against the yellow. Other people have guns, yet they decide to outlaw the weapons yellow is good at. (Blah blah blah, ending with prepositions, SHUT UP). Anyways, no meat pucks for me.

2. Emperor's Palace. Okay. This is more of an indictment on Chinese buffets in general. All y'all need to hear this warning. This is a true story. I knew a guy who grew up in a cave in China. He came over here for school and worked in various Chinese buffet restaurants. One day, he told me, never go eat at a Chinese buffet, but, if you're going to, at least don't go eat at one during the summer time. If a guy who grew up in a cave is afraid of eating at a chinese buffet in the summer time, would you? Emperor's Palace of one of those new trendy California style Chinese buffets that have everything you could want. Problem with that is quality is sacrificed for quantity. I'm eating at this place on night and as I'm walking by the cocktail shrimp section, I notice something very wrong. The shrimp aren't pink. They're all gray and raw. The worst part, is that I see all these people grabbing this shrimp, thinking they're cocktail shrimp and shoveling them into their mouths. A few minutes later, I go back there, positive that there's be a reinactment of that scene from Stand By Me, but fortunately (or unfortunately depending on how you look at it), nothing is amiss and they've replaced the shrimp again with cooked shrimp. I still wonder if they changed the ice that night.

1. In Soo. Continuing a trend of bad restaurants that people like, this place has horrible food and horrible service. The owner is supposed to be this cute asian lady that gets all up in your face telling you what you want and bosses you around in some sort of sick dominatrix theme. The people who like this place because of her should go seek help from a professional, or go find an actual dominatrix, because at least the actual dominatrix won't shove In Soo's horrible "chinese food" down your throat. In essence, In Soo's food represents everything that is wrong with american chinese food. It looks like it's been fried in hydrogenated oil, tastes like someone has poured corn syrup over the dish and the presentation looks as if someone visited Stink Alley and threw what they found in it onto a plate. I'll pass on the bossy lady and her "chinese food." She ought to be ashamed of her food. I'm embarassed for her that she would call that crap chinese food.

So, thus ends the first Black List for this week. This list is very fluid and restaurants come on and off this list, depending on if they get better, or if I forget how bad they were the last time.

Now, here's my restaurant for the week, along with what I would order if I were you and eating there. This segment will usually feature an excellent asian restaurant, along with certain excellent menu items, most people don't order. Why? Because I want people to stop ordering General Tso's. It's not real chinese food and made up by some dude in California, the land of fruits and nuts.

Wonton King, 8116 Olive Blvd. U-City.

This fine Cantonese restaurant is on Olive. in the heart of the growing Chinese Strip. Don't be put off by the roasted ducks hanging in the glass cabinet as you come in. The food tastes great. Here's what to order, if you have 4-6 people eating with you:

1) Salt and Pepper Pork Chop
2) Eggplant Hot Pot
3) Chinese Watercress. If they don't understand, say, with your best chinese accent, "Kohn Ching Tsai." Should be the best chinese vegetable dish you've ever had.
4) Ma Po Tofu. This is only if you like spicy food.
5) Beef Satay Hot Pot with Rice Noodles
6) If you're feeling adventurous, half a roasted duck.